Testing......1...2...3...4 is anyone there?

I've been a blog "stalker"  for over a year now. Following all of my favorite blogs, reading them on the regular and within the last few months I have even been commenting. I had thought long and hard about starting a blog. Actually I started one quite awhile ago and then eh....quit. It's kinda like diet and excersise...I do the same with those two lovies :) Now I'm giving the blogging world another shot. I started blogging again a few months ago. I have 1 follower...but at least I am not alone on this little blog of mine. Maybe I'll never reach the Mama L. or Skinny Meg status that I dream of but hey....I'm just a girl with a dream.  I figure I'll just treat it like an online counselor. I will tell my blog how my day was and hope for some good advice. If not I am pretty good at telling myself what to do lol.

Can't remember if I have filled y'all in on this but I'm Joanne and I lead a boring  normal life. Mom to 2 kids (17,21) and girlfriend to a special guy. I work full time and I love my job most days. I work the normal M-F & 8-5 most days. I'm in accounting....and I've never been a numbers person but hey...the pay is good & numbers grown on you. Although I still feel like x-k = z is stupid. I'm not to shabby in the kitchen although since my children have gotten older I have to spend less and less time in there. I dream of being crafty but I doubt that dream will ever come true. I love to read. Give me a good romance novel that I can live my romantic dreams through and I am golden! I know real life isn't like that but again a girl can dream (hello 50 shades). I am a sucker for a good sitcom or drama on T.V. that I can DVR (I never have time to sit down till bed time). New favorite is "The Following" (you MUST watch this) . A lover of chocolate. I like a fruity wine but I can tip back a cold beer as well. I'm not a snop when it comes to drinking.  I have recently become an online shopper. It's so convenient! Although it is kind of getting out of control. KiKi La Rue is AMAZEBALLS. Awesome customer service. I just found GroopDealz as well. You should check out these two sites! My boyfriend has offically told me I have a problem. LOL

It would be nice if you click "Join this Site" over on the right hand side to follow my blog. If not.....Aliens will attack you in the middle of the night and  you will never be heard from again! Not really but hey....if it helps change your mind.

Sharing random pictures

Emotionally Exhausted!

 

Have you ever woke up on a Monday and just felt like you missed the weekend?

I had one hell of an emotionally exhausting week.

Work=Sucked

Personal life=Eh

Kids= One of them SUCKED and made me wonder why I gave birth j/k (kinda)

I just wanted to pull the covers back over my head, turn off the alarm and sleep Monday away. Maybe Tuesday would be a better day to start the week? Probably not. I sucked it up and went to work. 

 

 

 

 Work was busy and my co-workers seemed extra aggravating. My desk is a mess and I can't seem to find the bottom of it anywhere no many how many hours I work.

 

My daughter had a big weekend ahead of her. Friday was graduation practice and Sunday was the BIG Day!  We spent the week looking for a dress that she "had" to have even though you don't see anything under the gown. This was her last BIG high school event so I rolled with it. Not to mention she is my baby soooooo. She was stressed out Friday/Saturday because since she was class president she had to walk first & give a speech. She practiced & practiced that speech and I  listened and listened to it :)

 

My son has been on the outs with the family because he is 21 and a father and he KNOWS EVERYTHING! Really he does....it's crazy to think how I raised this kid. Did he get switched at birth? Is this just how all males act? Do they go crazy as teenagers? Do they lose their mind upon having sex? Really....What the HELL happened to my child!

 

None of the family cares for his girlfriend. I could do a month of blogs about why....seriously. It's not like I am a total bitch but ........ she is a bigger bitch.....and manipulative BEYOND belief. UGH enough about her.

 

Caitlin had asked Dylan to come to her graduation but said she didn't want satan Mariah there. Dylan proceeded to say if Mariah wasn't welcome he wouldn't be attending either. Caitlin broke down in tears and cried on my shoulder about how she has always been at everything for Dylan. Wrestling, Football, Baseball games etc. along with his graduation. I understood and told her it would be alright. I tried to be the neutral party and beg my son to come. I explained to him this only happens once. He can't take this back and one hour of his day/week/month isn't going to kill him. He still said he wouldn't attend.Well.......here is where the hell  fun begins.

 

Sunday came and the day seemed to be going off without a hitch. I kept myself busy with shampooing carpets. Trying not to think that my baby was graduating. You work so many years to get to this point. It is basically sweat, blood & tears. Raising kids is not easy folks! Anyway...she finally gets dressed and heads off to the school. After she leaves I get a call from my son saying he would be there. I think I could hear angels singing at that point. YES!! I thought....the PERFECT day is going to happen. Our whole family together.

 

 

HOLD THAT THOUGHT. So first off my son is late and misses Caitlin's whole speech. Fine..no big deal he is at least there to see her collect her diploma. Then I see it......he brought Mariah with him. My heart sunk. I knew Caitlin would be so upset. Sure enough I looked up on stage and I could see her wiping away tears. I never knew how mad disappointed you could be in a child until that point. I am so sick of him not considering anyone's feelings except his own. It was his sisters day dammit. Finally the ceremony was ending and I snuck out of my seat to go over to where Dylan was. He had my grandkids with him and I gave Adele a kiss and Braeden reached up for me to pick him up. I went to pick him up and was told by Mariah that is why Braeden is so bad because I always spoil him. WTF! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! Keep your calm Joanne...was all I could think. I smiled and just said ..... no he just loves me. Anyway Dylan asked for Braeden back and said he was leaving. Braeden started crying and Dylan started to walk out. I said can you not just stay for one picture with your sister?  He continued to walk out. He didn't stay for a picture he just left. I started to cry. I couldn't believe my own flesh & blood could be so mean.

 

I decided that this was CAITLIN'S day and I wasn't going to let him ruin it. We took tons of pictures and smiled and laughed with the rest of the family and her friends. The grandparents all wanted to grab a bite to eat so we all proceeded to head to a local restaurant.   The dinner was good and conversation was nice and looking over at Caitlin I was filled with happiness & pride, yet another part of me was crushed because of my son's actions. This is the bad side of parenting. It is an emotional roller coaster.  After dinner she had a few grad parties she had to run to so we all parted ways.

 

Why am I sharing all this? Maybe I am just venting. Maybe I am still hurt. Maybe I wonder if I went wrong somewhere with my son. Maybe I wonder if I am/was cut out for this parenting business at all. Maybe I wonder why we rush through the younger years when the teenage/20's seem to SUCK the life out of you. Maybe I wonder if I am all alone in these feelings of disappointment. Am I?

 

 

What if?

What if:

I never had my son at 19 on my own ?
I may have went off to college and gotten a great job and lots of freedom but I wouldn't have a grandson I adore right now.

I hadn't met Scott (kids dad)?
I wouldn't have had a wonderful, caring man in my life who wanted to help me raise my son. I also wouldn't have had a beautiful daughter.

I hadn't met Mr. Wrong (ex-husband)  and spent so many years with him?

I wouldn't have known how broken a heart can be. I also wouldn't have learned how to love others through their faults. I wouldn't have never learned how to open my heart to children that were not my own and love them like my own. I would have missed out on a lot of life lessons. I know God had a reason.



What if I never had children?

I would have missed out on some of the best moments of my life! I feel like I walked across that stage with them, because they carry my heart with them where ever they go in life.

Currently I am (Fun post)

Currently, I am...

Wearing: Lots of sneakers. Since the weather here in good ol' Illinois cannot figure out if it is Spring or Winter this is what I stick with most days. I'm logging for flip-flop weather it is b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l today so maybe mother nature is done with her PMS!

Reading:  This Is Why Your FAT  by Jackie Warner

Watching: What I eat. I'm trying to be more conscious of what I'm eating and how much. I'm not on a diet and I'm not eating clean {because I don't understand it & I don't want to set myself up for failure}, I'm just trying to be more aware of what's going into my body. I've been feeling tired and sluggish, so it's time for some changes.

Thinking About: Working out during my lunch. I have a co-worker who say's she will run with me and I figure I can take a quick prison bath after in the washroom. :)

Loving:  Life I am looking for a new house. I am planning Caitlin's graduation 5-19-13 and her grad party 5-25 and then we jet off for a twelve day trip to Austria, Switzerland, Monoco, Paris and a few other little places! So excited to do this trip with her!

Looking Forward To: COLOR VIBE! The countdown to my first run of the year...actually two years. T-minus 25 days! I can't back out I have a group I'm running with. Lord help me!


Disliking: My son- He is 21 and knows everything. I wish there was a manual that told you about how all this parenthood shit worked! What I would give to have him be little again. {He liked me then}

Being a mother

As I sit here on my flight to Arizona I struggle with the guilt of being a mother. Sever people at work today asked me "Are you excited about your weekend trip"? Yes, I am excited I would answer. But my heart felt sad at the same time so no, I wasn't excited is what I felt I should have said.

I don't know if mommy guilt ever goes away. I mean my kids are 21(almost) and 17. My youngest is the only one at home and she is leaving for college in 3 months. She pushes me out the door as I try to smoother her with kisses and hugs knowing I'm leaving her behind. She politely takes the affection and says "bye see ya Monday" it is more than obvious the guilt lay within me not her.

I don't leave my children....the standing joke used to be everywhere I went you could see them tagging along like a mother duck. Gone are the days of them wanting to be with me everyday. Most days I have to see if either one has free time for me. They are both growing up. My son has a family of his own and my daughter is on the fast track to adulthood. I am now the soon to be empty nester and I hate it. I still want them to need me the way I need them. Does this make sense?

So as I sit on this plane heading to AZ for my best friends 40th birthday. I struggle with happiness & mommy guilt.

Girls day

Had a fun day hanging out with some friends. We went and all had our makeup done and then headed out for lunch. I found it quiet funny we ended up at a place called the London pub & grill.

Life changing purchase.....lots of them

Have you ever went into a store for one or two items and walked out with a cartfull of stuff ?? I'm sure I am the only person that does this.

You know your walking down an aisle and you see a new cleaning product and you convince yourself that you need it. I mean it is non toxic it has lemongrass or lavender to calm you. My house will smell so good and it will look so much cleaner if only I buy/try this. Yeah...so you use it once...maybe twice and sure the house looks/smells great but guess what did it change your life ??? NO--- Damit that cleaner doesn't work by itself.. LOL  Money= $20.00

How about the jeans that you just know you have to have. You try them on your butt looks better than ever your feeling great! They will definitely give you a new look .... now you need some new shirts to go with your new jeans. Maybe even some shoes! I am in love with heels...I always feel like I need a pair. How often do I wear heels? Close to NEVER. but I love them....I feel like they are going to add something to my life.  Am I the only one who does this? I walk into a store needing nothing and walk out with a whole new outfit or two :)   Money = $200.00

So I'm just curious am I the only person who can't live without stuff that I live without everyday? Heven help the man I marry someday.

LONDON

London = AMAZING

There was a time where I would have thought I'd never care to go to London. Give me the tropical beaches for vacation--and lots of drinks....that is where I want to be!

This trip was different than I'd ever expected. London is breathtaking. I also cannot tell you how many people I bummed into because I was just looking around me like a toddler at all times. My eyes were to the sky, trees and the majestic buildings that surrounded me. It is a must go destination I say this from the bottom of my heart.

I've never been big into history. This trip changed that. You are walking along and you see blocks where Hitler bombed the city. You walk into St. Pauls Cathedral and you are in awe of the beauty that was created hundreds of years ago and the fact that Churchill did everything he could to save this building. You are taken back in time and you can only imagine what it must have been like.

I would like to give myself a pat on the back. The time change really messed with me. So I did something I NEVER do on vacation.....

Yep I actually used the hotel gym! I actually loved it and had a couple of the best runs ever!
I also walked 529 stairs at St. Paul's cathedral .... Yep 👏 I know hold your applause. Not to mention walking everywhere we went. I am proud to say when I arrived back home I had only gained two lbs and I really don't think I even gained that. Given the time change flight, water retention etc. I'm going to check the scale on Sunday. I figure ill give myself a week back home..... Now just time to get my butt working out cuz I've been a BIG SLACKER since I've been home. 👎

Graduation nears

So Caitlin and I spent the night stuffing grad invites. It is a bitter sweet time for me. I mean I am so proud if her my baby is growing up. She is going to do great things I just know it. She is beautiful, smart, funny and so much more. Summer will come and go fast this year I know with just months looming until she goes off to college. Ill be an empty nester .... Ill be on my own for the first time in my life. I went from high school to motherhood overnight. Being a mother at 19 wasn't easy but "most" (lol) days it is so worth it.

One...ONEderland....yeah

I finally made it! Now I just have to stay here.... Or keep going down! Treated myself to a massage after work!

Today....I understand why animals do it.

Did you know some animals eat their young? SERIOUSLY--you can read about it here Why some animals eat their young  or here animals eating their young.

I have a 21 year old who knows EVERYTHING! I am a complete idiot in his eyes. I have wiped his butt,tears and wounds for years and this is the reward I get?!? WTH!
He is a complete moron....I wouldn't say this to just anyone but I have to get it out there. I wish you could look into the future and see all the STUPID shit they would do and just decide then...ehhhh better not.

My 17 year old is a genius in her own right as well. You know she tells me how awful it is what I am cooking dinner or don't I understand she has homework to do therefore she cannot pick up her socks off the FLOOR!

I struggled through single parent hood. I sacrificed for my children. I even worked three jobs at one point.
I had them in sports throughout the year. Baseball, football, tumbling, dance, wrestling, cheer leading, volleyball and track. I have spent hours on benches and fence lines watching the two of them. Now I find myself asking why? Why do we do it? I often wonder if I am the only parent who gets this disrespect?
I give and I give and they take and take.

Don't get me wrong I love my children and would die for them. But some days...like today I just wish I could lock them up in a room and beat some sense into them. I really don't think my 21 year old has a brain!!!! I don't know if any of my DNA was transferred to him at all.  My daughter....she is bullheaded like me and thinks sometimes....but LAZY....yes I have to cap it because she puts the L in LAZY.

So enjoy those babies.....because they turn into teenage/twenish MONSTERS....and trust me you will begin to understand why some ANIMALS EAT THEIR YOUNG. LOL

ONEderland you are being a witch!

Skipped my run....ate some stuff I shouldn't have. Tried on a new dress that looked like hell...ate some more sh*t to make myself feel better. Then guess what ...I felt WORSE.

Went to bed ......so I wouldn't eat more sh*t.  Woke up and weighed 202 ---- I think ONEderland is screwing with my mind & body.

Then I have my son the workout KING yelling at me everytime I look at something wrong. I think this kid was switched at the hospital....where the hell does this body come from. JERK..LOL

Broken?

BROKEN:

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I feel broken. Everyone has a piece of me and I'm not sure how the puzzle goes back together. I think believe my weight is my way of covering up all the hurt. If I make myself large enough surly someone will be able to put me back together. Won't they? Somedays (like today) I feel like tossing the pieces in the air. SCREW IT who cares what happens next. But the next day I put on my big girl panties and try again. I bottle up the hurt,pain,sadness, failure and I go on.

I've been through alot much much more then I could write in a night.  I have been dating someone for about four years now. He is normal REALLY a normal man...hard to swallow I know. He actually likes my kids (21 & 17)  my grandson (15 months) and he is good to me actually to all of us. He does have a flaw...he is bad at communication. We both came from bad divorces and promised honesty and trust this time around.  I have struggled with this relationship because it seemed to good to be true. He cooks, cleans, works, comes home???? Are you sure he isn't from Mars?

Most of my childhood I was tossed from home to home. My maternal grandma, my maternal grandfather and wife, then my great-grandparents and I'd visit my mom. I know WEIRD but it was my life and I LOVED living with my great-grandparents. I thank God just about every single day for Mary & Johnny because without their love and guidence who knows what would have become of me. Johnny passed away when I was ten and Mary passed away when I was eleven. Once Johnny was dignosed with cancer I had to go live with my mom and her boyfriend NIGHTMARE. My mother was sweet enough but her boyfriend was like a bad horror story. I watched his fist hit her more times then I care to remember. Then he turned his abuse on me. Although he never had sex with me......he did enough other things to damage me. DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) ended up taking me away from my mother. She was ordered to counseling with me and her boyfriend (did I mention this is my brother's father?) was ordered out of the house. Question: Whose side do you think she took? Her innocent 10 year old daughter or her abusive boyfriend? Most of you are worldly enough to know this answer. DING DING DING her boyfriend. We did the counseling and she told me she believed me and next thing I know she had me lying to the DCFS caseworker that her boyfriend was gone and I wanted to go home. He was never gone though.....she lied she told me I was a liar and he would never do such a thing. WTF! I know to this day I haven't moved passed this. I've tried. Books, counseling, journaling you name it I've tried it.  What to know what is even more sad? I forgive him. I'm not even mad at him. I HATE her though....and you blogger world are the first ones to hear that. Enough of this crap...................I don't like to remember or give it to much of my time.

Shane (my bf) has always been comforting he knows my struggles and stands beside me. Except tonight when I heard the words "I'm not happy" (insert heart sinking) There is more to the story there always is. I will say however it takes two to make it work and two to break it. I think know that I bounce back and forth from broken to glued. Someone keeps forgetting to use SUPER GLUE DUH! Anyway....between my issues and having a hormonal teenage girl in the house a 20 year old son with TONS of issues of his own and a grandson around quite a bit I think the straw finally broke the camels back. It's not Shane's fault and I'm not even mad at him for saying how he felt. I actually understood.....who the hell would want my box of three kinds of crazy! He said he would rather stay with me and be unhappy then to leave me and not have anything to do with any of us anymore. (awe---come on this had to tug on the heart strings) This is when I held it together like only a mother can (brave face) and told him. "You are not to blame...sure I want to blame you but that isn't fair. Every person in the world deserves to be happy and that includes you. You are not staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy. You deserve better and we both agreed to that before we started dating. We both agreed to be honest and open." He didn't say much after that except that I was right.

So then I had to tell my daughter who has been through a divorce etc and really this kid doesn't deserve anymore heartache. My heart busted into pieces telling her things were not working out. (Broken hearted mother trying so hard to be strong) Guess who she was worried about? Me. She asked what would happen to me when she leaves for college? Really kid....I'm the mom. I assured her I would be fine as would everything else. Lots of  tears from her but she understands...I hope.

I had to take a two minute breather and go outside so I could cry my eyes out while nobody watched. God forbid someone see my cry I have built up far to many walls for that. Now I sit here.......in a house that isn't mine a daughter who is sad and with a man who doesn't love me wondering will I ever be UNbroken?

I heard this song for the first time a couple days ago.....and I can only pray that someday I will rise!

I will be rising from the ground......like a skyscraper (someday)

So close yet so far away

Weighed in at 201.8 today. Not quiet the ONEderland I was hoping for but more reason to keep going! Worked all day then proceed to run a few errands with a co worker. We went to Olive Garden and I made good choices! I had salad and then I picked a dinner from their new Fit Fair meals. I only ate half of it & boxed the test up for lunch tomorrow. No workout today though ..... Why??? I'm lazy and didn't do it.....but I thought hard about it. Hey... Don't judge I'm trying!

Sunday = More SNOW

It's snowing AGAIN! Enough already.

I did get in my C25K today getting a little easier! I am also proud to say I am only 2.8 lbs away from ONEderland! I'm so excited.

Did really good with my food choices today. Dessert for me ( since everyone was eating cookies) was half of an apple sliced with cinnamon on it and microwaved for about a minute. DELISH!!

Hope your Sunday is warmer than mine 🌞

If you really knew me.....

If you really knew me.... (stole from Mama Laughlin)

If you really knew me...

...you'd know I like the smell of lemons.

...you'd know have two kids Dylan (21) Caitlin (17)

...you'd know I have a grandson Braeden (15 months) from (Dylan)

...you'd know I've been divorced for ummmm five years now

...you'd know I have serious anxiety when it comes to messes in my house (including kids room).

...you'd know I go in phases of "on caffeine" and "off caffeine"- currently in an "off" phase.

...you'd know I'm NOT a cat fan.

...you'd know I can quote a wide spectrum of movies and often do.

...you'd know I talk about my kids and cuss way too often.

...you'd know I just wanted to be a lawyer when growing up. Well, really, my thought process was I had friends that used to get into ALOT of trouble figured this way I could help get them out of it :)

...you'd know I love my house to smell good I burn candles ALL the time.

...you'd know I could plow through a bag of any type of chocolate in a matter of hours ..joke.. minutes.

...you'd know I have 1 tattoo and I would like at least 2 more

...you'd know I am new to this little 'ole blog and plan to get better and post more often but I fail .ALOT I really want to have TONS of follwers like MAMA does

...you'd know I have seen all of the Twilight movies and went to the first two with my daughter for the midnight premiere (life of a mom to a teenager).

...you'd know I'd leave my boyfriend for Adam Levine, or Matthew McConaughey.

...you'd know I often keep quiet even when I have something to say.

...you'd know I am a sucker for my children

...you'd know I did play softball for years...even slipped into 1st base once LMAO.

...you'd know I am a worried parent. I worry about shit that will happen 5 years from now.

...you'd know I drink wine often...but still not often enough

...you'd know I NEVER take pictures of myself. To my defense: I hate the way I look so why bother. ...you'd know I am trying to get healthy. I have recently joined some new workout classes yoga (love), spinning (hate) and I'm doing C25K.

...you'd know I'd LOVE to workout with Jillian Michaels in a heartbeat. Is it wrong I'd like her to kick my ass in the gym? I guess I just want her to show me what I am capable of.

...you'd know I usually only watch  TV at night in bed and I LOVE two shows DEXTER do you watch it? If not you should..I heart that serial killer. Also, TRUE BLOOD I think I want to be a vampire.I kid I kid..

...you'd know I don't hold grudges. It doesn't do your heart any good.

...you'd know I am a SUCKER for a man who makes me laugh.

C25K

Running.....like the wind I have bricks on my feet.
So I finally stepped up to the fitness plate and said...MORE EXCUSES NO MORE EXCUSES  you are going to start the Couch to 5 K program for the 2nd time TONIGHT!

I did the C25K program a few years ago and lost weight and ran 3K's & 5K's...and felt AMAZING and then.......I quit. NEVER QUIT.

First I sat around in my sweats for about 20 minutes trying to think of every reason to not get on the deadmill. Then I decided to vacuum, load the dishwasher, and fold a load of laundry. Workout complete right?!?

Well I finally got out my IPOD and started the C25K program and started walking on the treadmill. I swear it is amazing to me just how fast you can fall out of shape. Here I was walking along at a slow 3.0 and felt out of breath. If you have done the program after a five minute warm up the torcher  running begins. A quick 45 second run and I thought I was dying. I was breathing heavy and telling myself I couldn't do it. What was I thinking I'm bigger now (205) than I have ever been. Maybe people over 200 lbs can't run. Then I think...hello BIGGEST LOSER....DUH.  Mind you I am doing all of this back and forth in my head.

I suck it up and finish the 30 minutes....even though I was sure I was dying. I made it to tell you the story today...I know SHOCKING working out didn't kill me.

I am signed up for the Color Run 5K  on June 1st and the Warrior Dash on Aug 3rd. I am also trying to line up a few more runs to keep my butt on track.

Who am I?

Do you ever wonder who you are? I mean you know your name, where you were born, who your family members are etc but who are you?

I found myself thinking about this statement on the drive to work today. I am alot of things.

• Daughter (Granddaughter, Daughter-In-Law)
• Sister
• Mother
• Friend
• Lover
• Employee
• An EX (LOL)

But really....who am I? So many things make up our lives and in turn make us the person we are today. Can you change history? Does your DNA have to be who you become?

I think you can break the chain.....but you have to be willing to make the tough choices to do so.

I had to change everything about my history of growing up to be a better parent than I had. I had to work harder and smarter so I wasn't poor as an adult like I was as a child. I had to learn to  love differently as an adult because love wasn't shown to me as a child. I even had to break away from most of my family to make these changes. It wasn't easy.....somedays I still struggle. I did it though. I am better then where I came from. I BROKE the chain.  I was lucky enough to have AMAZING great grandparents. Although they passed away when I was ten it still gave me enough time to learn life can be good. Sure I made mistakes I still do. But I fight the good fight of life....and doing it right this time.

My only armor left is my weight......and this time......I'm determined to put down my armor.