ONEderland you are being a witch!

Skipped my run....ate some stuff I shouldn't have. Tried on a new dress that looked like hell...ate some more sh*t to make myself feel better. Then guess what ...I felt WORSE.

Went to bed ......so I wouldn't eat more sh*t.  Woke up and weighed 202 ---- I think ONEderland is screwing with my mind & body.

Then I have my son the workout KING yelling at me everytime I look at something wrong. I think this kid was switched at the hospital....where the hell does this body come from. JERK..LOL

Broken?

BROKEN:

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I feel broken. Everyone has a piece of me and I'm not sure how the puzzle goes back together. I think believe my weight is my way of covering up all the hurt. If I make myself large enough surly someone will be able to put me back together. Won't they? Somedays (like today) I feel like tossing the pieces in the air. SCREW IT who cares what happens next. But the next day I put on my big girl panties and try again. I bottle up the hurt,pain,sadness, failure and I go on.

I've been through alot much much more then I could write in a night.  I have been dating someone for about four years now. He is normal REALLY a normal man...hard to swallow I know. He actually likes my kids (21 & 17)  my grandson (15 months) and he is good to me actually to all of us. He does have a flaw...he is bad at communication. We both came from bad divorces and promised honesty and trust this time around.  I have struggled with this relationship because it seemed to good to be true. He cooks, cleans, works, comes home???? Are you sure he isn't from Mars?

Most of my childhood I was tossed from home to home. My maternal grandma, my maternal grandfather and wife, then my great-grandparents and I'd visit my mom. I know WEIRD but it was my life and I LOVED living with my great-grandparents. I thank God just about every single day for Mary & Johnny because without their love and guidence who knows what would have become of me. Johnny passed away when I was ten and Mary passed away when I was eleven. Once Johnny was dignosed with cancer I had to go live with my mom and her boyfriend NIGHTMARE. My mother was sweet enough but her boyfriend was like a bad horror story. I watched his fist hit her more times then I care to remember. Then he turned his abuse on me. Although he never had sex with me......he did enough other things to damage me. DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) ended up taking me away from my mother. She was ordered to counseling with me and her boyfriend (did I mention this is my brother's father?) was ordered out of the house. Question: Whose side do you think she took? Her innocent 10 year old daughter or her abusive boyfriend? Most of you are worldly enough to know this answer. DING DING DING her boyfriend. We did the counseling and she told me she believed me and next thing I know she had me lying to the DCFS caseworker that her boyfriend was gone and I wanted to go home. He was never gone though.....she lied she told me I was a liar and he would never do such a thing. WTF! I know to this day I haven't moved passed this. I've tried. Books, counseling, journaling you name it I've tried it.  What to know what is even more sad? I forgive him. I'm not even mad at him. I HATE her though....and you blogger world are the first ones to hear that. Enough of this crap...................I don't like to remember or give it to much of my time.

Shane (my bf) has always been comforting he knows my struggles and stands beside me. Except tonight when I heard the words "I'm not happy" (insert heart sinking) There is more to the story there always is. I will say however it takes two to make it work and two to break it. I think know that I bounce back and forth from broken to glued. Someone keeps forgetting to use SUPER GLUE DUH! Anyway....between my issues and having a hormonal teenage girl in the house a 20 year old son with TONS of issues of his own and a grandson around quite a bit I think the straw finally broke the camels back. It's not Shane's fault and I'm not even mad at him for saying how he felt. I actually understood.....who the hell would want my box of three kinds of crazy! He said he would rather stay with me and be unhappy then to leave me and not have anything to do with any of us anymore. (awe---come on this had to tug on the heart strings) This is when I held it together like only a mother can (brave face) and told him. "You are not to blame...sure I want to blame you but that isn't fair. Every person in the world deserves to be happy and that includes you. You are not staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy. You deserve better and we both agreed to that before we started dating. We both agreed to be honest and open." He didn't say much after that except that I was right.

So then I had to tell my daughter who has been through a divorce etc and really this kid doesn't deserve anymore heartache. My heart busted into pieces telling her things were not working out. (Broken hearted mother trying so hard to be strong) Guess who she was worried about? Me. She asked what would happen to me when she leaves for college? Really kid....I'm the mom. I assured her I would be fine as would everything else. Lots of  tears from her but she understands...I hope.

I had to take a two minute breather and go outside so I could cry my eyes out while nobody watched. God forbid someone see my cry I have built up far to many walls for that. Now I sit here.......in a house that isn't mine a daughter who is sad and with a man who doesn't love me wondering will I ever be UNbroken?

I heard this song for the first time a couple days ago.....and I can only pray that someday I will rise!

I will be rising from the ground......like a skyscraper (someday)

So close yet so far away

Weighed in at 201.8 today. Not quiet the ONEderland I was hoping for but more reason to keep going! Worked all day then proceed to run a few errands with a co worker. We went to Olive Garden and I made good choices! I had salad and then I picked a dinner from their new Fit Fair meals. I only ate half of it & boxed the test up for lunch tomorrow. No workout today though ..... Why??? I'm lazy and didn't do it.....but I thought hard about it. Hey... Don't judge I'm trying!

Sunday = More SNOW

It's snowing AGAIN! Enough already.

I did get in my C25K today getting a little easier! I am also proud to say I am only 2.8 lbs away from ONEderland! I'm so excited.

Did really good with my food choices today. Dessert for me ( since everyone was eating cookies) was half of an apple sliced with cinnamon on it and microwaved for about a minute. DELISH!!

Hope your Sunday is warmer than mine 🌞

If you really knew me.....

If you really knew me.... (stole from Mama Laughlin)

If you really knew me...

...you'd know I like the smell of lemons.

...you'd know have two kids Dylan (21) Caitlin (17)

...you'd know I have a grandson Braeden (15 months) from (Dylan)

...you'd know I've been divorced for ummmm five years now

...you'd know I have serious anxiety when it comes to messes in my house (including kids room).

...you'd know I go in phases of "on caffeine" and "off caffeine"- currently in an "off" phase.

...you'd know I'm NOT a cat fan.

...you'd know I can quote a wide spectrum of movies and often do.

...you'd know I talk about my kids and cuss way too often.

...you'd know I just wanted to be a lawyer when growing up. Well, really, my thought process was I had friends that used to get into ALOT of trouble figured this way I could help get them out of it :)

...you'd know I love my house to smell good I burn candles ALL the time.

...you'd know I could plow through a bag of any type of chocolate in a matter of hours ..joke.. minutes.

...you'd know I have 1 tattoo and I would like at least 2 more

...you'd know I am new to this little 'ole blog and plan to get better and post more often but I fail .ALOT I really want to have TONS of follwers like MAMA does

...you'd know I have seen all of the Twilight movies and went to the first two with my daughter for the midnight premiere (life of a mom to a teenager).

...you'd know I'd leave my boyfriend for Adam Levine, or Matthew McConaughey.

...you'd know I often keep quiet even when I have something to say.

...you'd know I am a sucker for my children

...you'd know I did play softball for years...even slipped into 1st base once LMAO.

...you'd know I am a worried parent. I worry about shit that will happen 5 years from now.

...you'd know I drink wine often...but still not often enough

...you'd know I NEVER take pictures of myself. To my defense: I hate the way I look so why bother. ...you'd know I am trying to get healthy. I have recently joined some new workout classes yoga (love), spinning (hate) and I'm doing C25K.

...you'd know I'd LOVE to workout with Jillian Michaels in a heartbeat. Is it wrong I'd like her to kick my ass in the gym? I guess I just want her to show me what I am capable of.

...you'd know I usually only watch  TV at night in bed and I LOVE two shows DEXTER do you watch it? If not you should..I heart that serial killer. Also, TRUE BLOOD I think I want to be a vampire.I kid I kid..

...you'd know I don't hold grudges. It doesn't do your heart any good.

...you'd know I am a SUCKER for a man who makes me laugh.

C25K

Running.....like the wind I have bricks on my feet.
So I finally stepped up to the fitness plate and said...MORE EXCUSES NO MORE EXCUSES  you are going to start the Couch to 5 K program for the 2nd time TONIGHT!

I did the C25K program a few years ago and lost weight and ran 3K's & 5K's...and felt AMAZING and then.......I quit. NEVER QUIT.

First I sat around in my sweats for about 20 minutes trying to think of every reason to not get on the deadmill. Then I decided to vacuum, load the dishwasher, and fold a load of laundry. Workout complete right?!?

Well I finally got out my IPOD and started the C25K program and started walking on the treadmill. I swear it is amazing to me just how fast you can fall out of shape. Here I was walking along at a slow 3.0 and felt out of breath. If you have done the program after a five minute warm up the torcher  running begins. A quick 45 second run and I thought I was dying. I was breathing heavy and telling myself I couldn't do it. What was I thinking I'm bigger now (205) than I have ever been. Maybe people over 200 lbs can't run. Then I think...hello BIGGEST LOSER....DUH.  Mind you I am doing all of this back and forth in my head.

I suck it up and finish the 30 minutes....even though I was sure I was dying. I made it to tell you the story today...I know SHOCKING working out didn't kill me.

I am signed up for the Color Run 5K  on June 1st and the Warrior Dash on Aug 3rd. I am also trying to line up a few more runs to keep my butt on track.

Who am I?

Do you ever wonder who you are? I mean you know your name, where you were born, who your family members are etc but who are you?

I found myself thinking about this statement on the drive to work today. I am alot of things.

• Daughter (Granddaughter, Daughter-In-Law)
• Sister
• Mother
• Friend
• Lover
• Employee
• An EX (LOL)

But really....who am I? So many things make up our lives and in turn make us the person we are today. Can you change history? Does your DNA have to be who you become?

I think you can break the chain.....but you have to be willing to make the tough choices to do so.

I had to change everything about my history of growing up to be a better parent than I had. I had to work harder and smarter so I wasn't poor as an adult like I was as a child. I had to learn to  love differently as an adult because love wasn't shown to me as a child. I even had to break away from most of my family to make these changes. It wasn't easy.....somedays I still struggle. I did it though. I am better then where I came from. I BROKE the chain.  I was lucky enough to have AMAZING great grandparents. Although they passed away when I was ten it still gave me enough time to learn life can be good. Sure I made mistakes I still do. But I fight the good fight of life....and doing it right this time.

My only armor left is my weight......and this time......I'm determined to put down my armor.