Broken?

BROKEN:

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I feel broken. Everyone has a piece of me and I'm not sure how the puzzle goes back together. I think believe my weight is my way of covering up all the hurt. If I make myself large enough surly someone will be able to put me back together. Won't they? Somedays (like today) I feel like tossing the pieces in the air. SCREW IT who cares what happens next. But the next day I put on my big girl panties and try again. I bottle up the hurt,pain,sadness, failure and I go on.

I've been through alot much much more then I could write in a night.  I have been dating someone for about four years now. He is normal REALLY a normal man...hard to swallow I know. He actually likes my kids (21 & 17)  my grandson (15 months) and he is good to me actually to all of us. He does have a flaw...he is bad at communication. We both came from bad divorces and promised honesty and trust this time around.  I have struggled with this relationship because it seemed to good to be true. He cooks, cleans, works, comes home???? Are you sure he isn't from Mars?

Most of my childhood I was tossed from home to home. My maternal grandma, my maternal grandfather and wife, then my great-grandparents and I'd visit my mom. I know WEIRD but it was my life and I LOVED living with my great-grandparents. I thank God just about every single day for Mary & Johnny because without their love and guidence who knows what would have become of me. Johnny passed away when I was ten and Mary passed away when I was eleven. Once Johnny was dignosed with cancer I had to go live with my mom and her boyfriend NIGHTMARE. My mother was sweet enough but her boyfriend was like a bad horror story. I watched his fist hit her more times then I care to remember. Then he turned his abuse on me. Although he never had sex with me......he did enough other things to damage me. DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) ended up taking me away from my mother. She was ordered to counseling with me and her boyfriend (did I mention this is my brother's father?) was ordered out of the house. Question: Whose side do you think she took? Her innocent 10 year old daughter or her abusive boyfriend? Most of you are worldly enough to know this answer. DING DING DING her boyfriend. We did the counseling and she told me she believed me and next thing I know she had me lying to the DCFS caseworker that her boyfriend was gone and I wanted to go home. He was never gone though.....she lied she told me I was a liar and he would never do such a thing. WTF! I know to this day I haven't moved passed this. I've tried. Books, counseling, journaling you name it I've tried it.  What to know what is even more sad? I forgive him. I'm not even mad at him. I HATE her though....and you blogger world are the first ones to hear that. Enough of this crap...................I don't like to remember or give it to much of my time.

Shane (my bf) has always been comforting he knows my struggles and stands beside me. Except tonight when I heard the words "I'm not happy" (insert heart sinking) There is more to the story there always is. I will say however it takes two to make it work and two to break it. I think know that I bounce back and forth from broken to glued. Someone keeps forgetting to use SUPER GLUE DUH! Anyway....between my issues and having a hormonal teenage girl in the house a 20 year old son with TONS of issues of his own and a grandson around quite a bit I think the straw finally broke the camels back. It's not Shane's fault and I'm not even mad at him for saying how he felt. I actually understood.....who the hell would want my box of three kinds of crazy! He said he would rather stay with me and be unhappy then to leave me and not have anything to do with any of us anymore. (awe---come on this had to tug on the heart strings) This is when I held it together like only a mother can (brave face) and told him. "You are not to blame...sure I want to blame you but that isn't fair. Every person in the world deserves to be happy and that includes you. You are not staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy. You deserve better and we both agreed to that before we started dating. We both agreed to be honest and open." He didn't say much after that except that I was right.

So then I had to tell my daughter who has been through a divorce etc and really this kid doesn't deserve anymore heartache. My heart busted into pieces telling her things were not working out. (Broken hearted mother trying so hard to be strong) Guess who she was worried about? Me. She asked what would happen to me when she leaves for college? Really kid....I'm the mom. I assured her I would be fine as would everything else. Lots of  tears from her but she understands...I hope.

I had to take a two minute breather and go outside so I could cry my eyes out while nobody watched. God forbid someone see my cry I have built up far to many walls for that. Now I sit here.......in a house that isn't mine a daughter who is sad and with a man who doesn't love me wondering will I ever be UNbroken?

I heard this song for the first time a couple days ago.....and I can only pray that someday I will rise!

I will be rising from the ground......like a skyscraper (someday)